Need.

"All I need is You, Lord"

Over and over and over and over again, with the music rising and falling. I'm in a room with thousands of people with their arms high and voices screaming to the heavens. And at some point all I could do was simply stop.

Stop. And breathe in truth.

Because there comes a time when you have to let the truth of those six words overwhelm you. And when you do, they will. That's the only thing they can do.

This past week I've realized how many times I use the word "need"

I need new shoes.
I need coffee.
I need to go to wal-mart.
I need ice cream.
I need to see my friends.
I need gas.
I need...I need...I need...

And where does it stop? What I NEED is perspective because the everything else will eventually fade. And I'm left with only You.

And that is all I need.

What's Left...

Questioning.
Struggling.
Wrestling.
Stripping.
Awakening.
More questioning...always more questioning.

This could sum up my last 3-5 months.

God has shown me, me. How he sees me. And it wasn't pretty. It hurt. It wasn't who I wanted it to be. More importantly, it wasn't who He intended me to be.

So I've let go.

"You see that? Your selfishness...it needs to go. Your insecurities...no need for them. You have a problem with vanity. And you want your wants more than mine right now. Your plans, they aren't mine-they never were. And above all, you have this problem with pride that we need to get under control."

Ouch. And I'm left with this...this knowing, this unattractive revealing of who I am and who I've become and two choices. His way or mine.

I once had a good friend who I knew had some major problems in her life, and I knew she needed to confide in me, but there was a part of me that wasn't ready to know exactly. Because once you know, YOU KNOW. And you can never unknow. And you can't pretend like you don't. It changes everything.

So I said OK.

And He started chipping away. And there were (are) times I can almost feel a literal battle going on within me. And all that's left when all of the stuff that I've been hiding behind is gone is a raw version of myself that's almost unrecognizable--but there's a peace that I haven't known in so long.

And with a sigh of relief and smile, I can almost hear an audible, "Now we're ready..."